


Things I Learned at Torchwood

by faithharkness



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, DO NOT DRINK WHILE READING, DO NOT EAT WHILE READING, DO NOT READ IN CLASS, DO NOT READ IN CROWDED AREAS WITH STRANGERS, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-19
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-16 08:40:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1339069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithharkness/pseuds/faithharkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannah Summers-Fogg is a new recruit at Torchwood 3.  Although a trained assassin, she has a lot to learn, so she makes lists as things happen.  These are those lists.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1-20

**Author's Note:**

> The relationships were tagged mainly because they are mentioned in the lists. I didn't want to tag it Gen and have people get upset that romantic relationships were heavily referenced.
> 
> This technically belongs in the _Graceverse_ , but it's kind of out of the timeline.

**1.** Myfanwy is not a mode of transportation.

**2.** I am no longer allowed to “just grab” anything out of the Captain’s desk drawers.  
**Or shout, “Dear gods what is on my hand!” if I do.

**3.** Seeing whose hair gel is the most flammable is not a good use of Torchwood’s time or resources.  
**Owen’s is.

**4.** Owen is not the office punching bag, no matter what Ianto says.  
**Or what Jack says  
**Or what Tosh says

**5.** I will not refer to Ianto as Jack’s sex machine.  
**Nor will I play “Sex Machine” every time he walks into the room  
**No matter how funny Owen thinks it is.  
**Especially because of how funny Owen thinks it is.

**6.** The default ringtones on everyone’s cell phones are fine. Owen does not need his reprogrammed to “I’ll Fly Away”; Gwen does not need hers reprogrammed to “If Ever I Would Leave You”; Tosh does not need hers reprogrammed to “If You Were Gay” and Ianto’s does not need to be “Battlestar Operatica”.  
**Jack, however, is keeping “I’m Too Sexy”.

**7.** It’s not funny to yell, “Hey, this creamer’s lumpy!” from the kitchen area.  
**Even if Owen’s just added it to his coffee.

**8.** The Captain does not know how to ice skate. I should stop asking him to teach me how.

**9.** Retcon is not the solution to a bad blind date.  
**For me or the date

**10.** Rearranging the items in the Captain’s desk drawers is neither funny nor advisable.

**11.** When the Prime Minister asks where Jack is, “Shagging Ianto in the showers” is not an appropriate response.

**12.** When the phone at Ianto’s desk rings, it should not be answered, “Aliens are us.”  
**I am no longer allowed to answer the phone at Ianto’s desk.

**13.** Only Ianto may touch The Coat.

**14.** Scattering rose petals through the Hub is not an appropriate way to say, “I love you.”

**15.** A retinal scanner is COMPLETELY different from a rectal scanner. I should be very careful which one I hand to Owen.  
**I should also not “lube up” the instrument until I am sure which one he wants.

**16.** “Hell, they can’t get all of us” does not count as a battle plan.

**17.** I will stop asking Ianto if he knows anyone who can fix a toaster, as this is not funny.

**18.** Making out with someone with the same name as you is not considered masturbation. Nor is it considered cheating.  
**No, Captain Jack will not explain that to me again.

**19.** Captain Jack only plays “Shiver Me Timbers” with Ianto.  
**So I should stop asking.

**20.** Weevils are not people too.


	2. 21-40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to put all food and drink down before reading. I've been told some of these are choking hazards.

**21.** Playing “I Never” with Captain Jack is futile  
**And debilitating

**22.** “Because he’s a prat,” is not a valid reason to beat the snot out of Owen.  
**Even if Ianto says so  
**Even if Tosh says so  
**Especially not if Jack did it first

**23.** The ultrasound gel is not for personal use.  
**Even if Jack and Ianto use it as such

**24.** I will stop telling Ianto I’ll risen his mitten or have fun with his gun.  
**I am not allowed to talk to Ianto anymore

**25.** Torchwood will no longer Retcon people I scare the bejeebus out of by jumping off the invisible lift and yelling, “Booga! Booga!”

**26.** The Torchwood internet connection is not for porn.  
**That’s why we have CCTV.

**27.** “But Jack did it first!” is not an excuse for, well, anything.

**28.** CCTV recordings of Jack and Ianto do not “make great stocking stuffers”.

**29.** The Captain does not know anyone named Maria, nor how to solve a problem like her.

**30.** “Because I said so,” is only a valid argument if it is made by Captain Jack.

**31.** Torchwood is a secret organization. We therefore do not need to form a softball team and participate in games with other Cardiff businesses.  
**Nor do we need our own MySpace page  
**Or to be listed in Cardiff tourism literature

**32.** I am not “the smartest girl in the world”.

**33.** “Bodily secretions” should never appear on an equipment repair order.  
**The repair guys also do not need to know how the equipment came to be damaged.  
**Especially if described through the use of stick figures, interpretive dance or shadow puppets.  
**I am no longer allowed to fill out repair orders

**34.** I will not say, “Are you sure you want to touch that?” every time Owen sits down at his desk to use his computer.

**35.** I will not fill up the SUV’s CD player with show tunes.  
**Or my own playlists with songs for each member of the team  
**I am not allowed to touch the SUV’s sound system.

**36.** The Captain did not go traveling with “The Bear in the Big Blue Box”.

**37.** When Ianto says, “Grab my feather duster for me,” he means grab the actual feather duster. It is not a euphemism.  
**Unless he says it to Jack

**38.** I should describe the weather as, “There’s a storm on its way,” and not, “The oncoming storm is about to land,” as this gets Jack’s hopes up for some reason.

**39.** In retrospect, wearing a full-body Weevil costume to work on Halloween was not the best idea ever.

**40.** We all know who used up all the hot water in the showers, so I should stop asking.


	3. 41-60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No eaty, no drinky.

**41.** Changing Jack’s IM name to “Dora the Explorer” is not as funny as it sounds.  
**Neither was changing Tosh’s to “Tosh Kosh Begosh”  
**Or Ianto’s to “Mr. Roboto”

**42.** J. Michael Straczynski does not know where Torchwood 4 is, so I should stop calling him.

**43.** The Captain has never gone by the name “The Immortal” and does not know anyone named William the Bloody, Angelus, Darla or Drusilla.

**44.** The man in the leather jacket Tosh met at Albion Hospital is not named “Claude”.  
**Neither does he have “a big stick”.

**45.** Jack has never gone hunting for a big, mother-effing shark off the coast of Mexico.  
**And he does not still have the wetsuit he wore while doing so.  
**He can therefore not model it for me.

**46.** No, it would not “be cool” if we all wore matching spandex out in the field.

**47.** The reason for Jack’s bad mood is not always “Ianto has a headache”.

**48.** Debating who would win in a fight, Jack or Wolverine, is not a constructive use of company time or resources.  
**No matter how hot that imagery is.

**49.** It is not funny to suggest, “Maybe it’s morning sickness,” every time Ianto has the flu.

**50.** The Captain has never worked with Autons going by the names of “Casper” or “Yasmine”.

**51.** Jack is not allowed to make coffee. Ever. Really.  
**No, really.

**52.** The fact that only the boys have been allowed to shoot other team members is not sexism.  
**And no, Jack will not let Tosh, Gwen and I shoot him to prove it.  
**And Suzie doesn’t count because she’s dead. 

**53.** Jack does not appreciate it when you put on a crash helmet when he is driving the SUV.

**54.** “Casual Friday” and “Starkers Friday” are not “almost the same thing”.

**55.** There are only so many times you can “forget” your training and convince Jack to give you another firearms tutorial.  
**12 times

**56.** Although immortal, Jack can catch colds and when he does so, he’s as contagious as an Ebola monkey.  
**Jack is also the worst patient in the history of the world.

**57.** Building a still in the basement to produce hypervodka, even though it was a surprise for Jack’s birthday, was a Bad Idea.  
**Especially when the still blew up and blew open the Weevil cells.  
**Especially because the fumes got everyone in the Hub, including the Weevils, drunk.  
**And Owen took pictures.  
**I am no longer allowed to touch chemical compounds more volatile than caffeine.  
**I am also not allowed to send the components to Owen in an e-mail.

**58.** “Your head had better be on fire,” is not the proper way to answer the phone at three in the morning.  
**Especially if it’s the Hub’s “Bat Phone”  
**I am no longer allowed to answer any of the phones in the Hub.

**59.** Owen does not find it particularly funny when you squirt Myfanwy’s barbecue sauce all over his desk.

**60.** Combat training in the nude is not “more realistic” or “more useful”.


	4. 61-80

**61.** Ianto has an eidetic memory and the patience of a Sicilian don.

**62.** I am not a seamstress and have no training in design; I therefore cannot make suits for Ianto, so I should stop setting up measurement appointments with him. 

**63.** Never, EVER say, “Oh yeah? Make me,” to Jack. He will. And it won’t always be as pleasant as it sounds.

**64.** Jack has never worn a German military uniform or encouraged Germans to “go into your dance”!

**65.** Giving Ianto a belt buckle with mistletoe on it has made me Jack’s new best friend.

**66.** The fastest way to get a smack upside the head is to utter the phrase, “Well, at least it can’t get any worse,” around Jack.

**67.** When stuck with shopping duty for the Hub, I should just buy the items on the list and not ask questions.  
**I don’t need to know why Jack needs a stopwatch repair kit. Again.  
**Nor why Owen needs more ultrasound gel  
**Nor why we seem to go through shower gel like there’s no tomorrow.

**68.** Walking unannounced into Jack’s office once is an accident. Five times is a pattern. Ten times is asking to have my coffee spiked with Retcon.

**69.** Never assume that Jack and Ianto are the two people making all the noise in a shower stall.  
**I need to add bleach for my eyeballs to the shopping list.

**70.** There really isn’t a Santa Clause. Even if there were, he wouldn’t bring me Ianto with a big red bow for Christmas, as that’s the number one present on Jack’s list and Santa would like Jack better.

**71.** Not every battle plan needs to end with, “And Owen will be the bait.”

**72.** No, running around in four inch heels should not be an Olympic sport.  
**Even if Tosh and I would totally kick ass.

**73.** Jack has begun to learn Welsh (Stupid Ianto). So I need to find a new language to mutter under my breath in. 

**74.** Jack is a crap driver. We should just accept this, learn to say the Hail Mary while in the car with him, and shut the hell up.

**75.** Owen does not appreciate it when you eat in autopsy while he’s performing an autopsy.  
**Especially if you drop something into the body.  
**Especially if you do that more than once.  
**I am no longer allowed into the autopsy bay.

**76.** Replacing the Hub’s coffee with decaf was not at all funny or appreciated.  
**Jack was very vocal in his displeasure  
**Which didn’t stop him from laughing at Owen shaking his way through caffeine withdrawal.

**77.** Just because Owen spends an inordinate amount of time in cyberspace looking at porn does not actually make him a Cyberman.  
**Saying so out loud just causes Jack to make the Grumpy Face  
**And sends Ianto into convulsions  
**Which makes Jack take him downstairs into his room so….maybe not such a bad thing to say out loud?

**78.** If Ianto is taking a day off, someone has to go to Starbucks for coffee. Jack is not allowed to touch the coffee machine.  
**Mental note: must refill fire extinguishers in kitchen area

**79.** Just because you see Ianto do something doesn’t mean that anyone else can get away with it.  
**Yes, this applies to grabbing Jack’s ass on the way out of the conference room  
**Yes, this applied to spiking Owen’s coffee with Visine.  
**Yes, this ESPECIALLY applies to snapping Jack’s braces.

**80.** Yes, all the seats in the SUV recline completely horizontally.  
**No, I don’t need to know how/why Ianto knows that.

 

***For #61, there’s a Sicilian Proverb that says, “Revenge is a dish best served cold and eaten with the hands.”


	5. 81-100

**81.** When Gwen’s boyfriend calls to speak to her, I should tell Gwen, “Rhys is on line one for you.” I should not announce “Cuckold on one,” to the entire Hub.  
**Jack is not going to talk to me about using the phones again.

**82.** Telling Jack, “You’re so pretty,” when he suggests a particularly harebrained idea only encourages him.

**83.** Weevils will wobble and then fall down. And then they get up and are super-pissed and will tear the living hell out of you.  
**I am not allowed near the Weevil cages anymore.

**84.** When I am asked to create a diversion, the diversion is for the attacking hordes, not myself.  
**I owe Ianto a new suit.

**85.** Torchwood-issue handcuffs are NOT for personal use.  
**Nor do they need to be modified to prevent chafing.  
**Even if Jack did ask me for a couple pairs of modified ones.

**86.** Jack is not allowed to cook. Ever. No, really.  
**Mental note: need to find a place that sells fire extinguishers in bulk.

**87.** Actually, Jack IS the boss of me. I should not need reminded of this.

**88.** “Meet me at the thing near the place we went that time with the things that made the things go BOOM!” are not adequate directions.  
**Even if Tosh, Jack and Ianto know EXACTLY where I’m talking about.  
**Even if Owen lost is funny.

**89.** A Torchwood-issued multi-round shotgun is not a “Boomstick” and I should not arrive at investigation scenes announcing it, very loudly, as such.

**90.** Even if I’m very mad at Ianto and have run out of logical arguments, shouting, “Your girlfriend’s a toaster!” at him is not the way to end an argument.  
**It is, however, a very quick way of getting myself put on Weevil cell cleaning duty.

**91.** Even though horror movies have taught (some) of us that going into a dark room to find out what made the scary noise is a Bad Idea, it is kind of our job.  
**No, Jack will not explain this to me again.

**92.** “This is a really bad idea,” is not our motto and does not need to be uttered every time we leave the Hub on a mission.  
**And we do not actually need a motto, so I should stop spending my time thinking one up and actually do my paperwork.

**93.** Jack’s real name is not God, no matter how often we hear Ianto shout it.

**94.** Keeping a list of people I suspect are aliens is all well and good; developing strategies for capturing and questioning them is not.  
**AGAIN with the Jack not explaining things to me again.

**95.** Asking Jack, “How do YOU know,” will always result in an answer.  
**Sometimes in the form of a Jack Tale of Debauchery  
**Sometimes in the form of a scary story  
**Sometimes in the form of a story for which there are not enough Brillo pads and bleach in the WORLD to scrape it out of my brain.

**96.** Just because Jack says, “If we could bottle that we’d all be rich,” doesn’t mean I should try bottling ANYTHING of Ianto’s.  
**Including Ianto himself.  
**Especially if I’ve tried getting in said bottle with him.

**97.** Torchwood does not have a “shotgun” rule for riding in the SUV  
**We do, however, have a “dibs” policy for Ianto—Jack has dibs.

**98.** “When you say Old Ones, do you mean gods-from-before-time-who’ve-just-been-waiting-for-us-to-get-stupid-enough-to-wake-them or someone who’s lost their parents?” was not funny the first time I said it. It therefore follows that it will not be funny the next three times.

**99.** Apparently, Owen IS the only one qualified to do an autopsy on an alien lifeform.   
**Which FINALLY answers the question, “Why is he still here?”

**100.** “No human being should be that hot,” is not a valid reason for having someone listed as an alien.  
**I have to go write apology letters to Ianto, Jack, Christian Bale, Michael Fassbender, Ben Browder, Michael Praed, Hugh Jackman, James McAvoy, Jeremy Renner, Nathan Fillion…Yeah, I’m going to be here a while.


	6. 101-120

**101.** If it’s gorgeous, Jack is going to flirt with it. As this is sometimes an invitation to trouble, we should always be prepared to apologize and/or run like hell.  
**Because gagging him doesn’t help. At all.

**102.** When Jack’s eyes glaze over and he goes to his “happy place”, just quietly back away and leave him there.  
**For the love of GOD do not whap him on the head with a rolled up newspaper to bring him around.

**103.** “Yeah, you’re screwed,” is not the appropriate response when the local constabulary calls for help with an unusual problem.  
**Seriously, who keeps letting me near the phones?

**104.** The “Things You Can Think, But Not Say” list does not apply to Jack.  
**Laminating said list was a waste of time, as we have to add things to it daily. Er, hourly. Er…damnit!

**105.** I have not been possessed by an alien sex gas and I do not need Ianto or Jack (or both) to kiss it out of me.  
**Especially since they’ve already fallen for that once today.

**106.** I should be happy to be the only other Torchwood member Myfanwy will allow near her and not refer to my duties as “my time in the bucket”.  
**Apparently, my Welsh is almost as good as Ianto’s and Jack doesn’t get jealous about the time I spend speaking Welsh to her.

**107.** Myfanwy is not a pet. She can therefore not be walked in public or taken out to the park and taught to fetch.  
**Even if she wears a leash  
**Even if Ianto goes with us to soothe her with his beautiful Welsh vowels.  
**Especially because I had to Retcon 3,546 people, including the guy Myfanwy “fetched”  
**ESPECIALLY because she continued to play fetch in the Hub. With Owen.  
**And especially after she mistook Jack’s braces for her leash and tried to fit her head through them.  
**I am no longer allowed near Myfanwy without supervision.

**108.** Jack sings in the shower. Show tunes. Quite beautifully.  
**Which is not, I am told, a good excuse to sit in the shower room on the few occasions Jack is in there alone.

**109.** No, Owen will not X-ray Jack to see if he really does “have lungs into his toes”.

**110.** I will stop asking Ianto why he hasn’t taught Jack how to use the coffee maker, as this causes him to blush furiously and mutter something about distractions and Jack’s hands.

**111.** Every little thing I do is not “magic”.

**112.** When Jack and Ianto fight, it is not like watching a live, male performance of “Take Me or Leave Me.”  
**I should therefore not sell tickets.

**113.** When Jack has “died”, poking him with a stick is not going to bring him around faster. It’s just going to piss him off when he does wake up.

**114.** Never volunteer to go see what that noise in the morgue is.  
**Especially if Jack and Ianto can be seen in other areas of the Hub.

**115.** Jack has heard all of the UNIT jokes. I should therefore stop making them.  
**Yeah, THAT’S going to work. Have we noticed that I’m still on the phones?

**116.** “Who died and made you boss?” is just a silly question to ask in this place.

**117.** I have been informed that “Hot Men Snogging” is not an Olympic sport and when Jack says he and Ianto are “in training”, he’s lying.

**118.** For some reason, Retcon distribution has quintupled since my tenure here began. Huh.

**119.** Telling me the SUV can’t convert into a sub BEFORE I drove it into the bay to avoid a mob of Weevils would have been more helpful than screaming it at me as we sank.  
**Owen can’t swim  
**Ianto, however, is Olympic-caliber and has the body to prove it.

**120.** An inordinate amount of alien species want to use us for sex.


	7. 121-140

**121.** If Jack’s office door is locked, I should not use Suzie’s Amazing Unlocky Device on it.  
**And no, I don’t know why it didn’t get put in secure archives after Jack confiscated it from me.  
**I also don’t know why Ianto feels the need to change his locks. Again.

**122.** Ianto is the only one allowed to name recovered artifacts.  
**Apparently, Suzie’s Amazing Unlocky Device is not up to Torchwood standards.

**123.** Hand-to-hand combat is just that. It should not involve my hands and other people’s body parts.  
**I am no longer allowed to touch Ianto.  
**But really, we’ve seen how well I’ve followed the not touching phones thing, so I think we know how this will end.

**124.** “Run like hell” is not the standard battle plan.  
**Neither is “Shoot first, then run like hell.”  
**I am no longer allowed to come up with battle plans.

**125.** Ianto is the only person for whom Jack “kisses it and makes it better”.

**126.** “Are you kidding me?” is not the appropriate response to an order.

**127.** If I replace Owen’s private stash of ultrasound gel with super glue one more time, Jack is making me go over to “unstick” him.

**128.** Jack has never met Cole Porter.  
**Neither has he driven him around in a horse-drawn carriage.  
**Or had a one-night stand with him in Central Park

**129.** My stapler is not possessed. I’ve just broken it. Again.

**130.** Yes, putting a Santa hat on Myfanwy was a Bad Idea.  
**Especially after she ate it.  
**And then threw it back up all over Owen’s desk  
**I am no longer allowed to do any holiday decorating

**131.** By majority vote (5-1), when we play Trivial Pursuit, Jack is his own team.

**132.** Hosting a “Beat Up on Owen” party does not count as a team-building activity.

**133.** We do not need to stage an intervention for Gwen’s oft-questionable hairstyle choices.  
**Or for her taste in men

**134.** Yes, changing the SUV’s lights to blink green and red instead of blue was festive and pretty. No, I am not allowed to do it ever again.

**135.** “Gwen, you stupid bitch,” is not the appropriate response to Gwen’s touchy-feely solutions to problems.

**136.** Pick. Your. Battles.

**137.** Run and/or shoot first, explain later. While still running.

**138.** The original proverb was, “He who hesitates gets eaten.” Torchwood “intervened”.

**139.** Yes, lightsabers are very cool. No, Tosh will not make me one.

**140.** I should stop asking Ianto to help me test the structural integrity of every desk and table in the Hub.  
**No, it’s not because of the meeting I had with Jack earlier.  
**Or because he and Ianto have already tested all of them (and some of them more than once).


End file.
